That's the look I get when people ask if I'm married? If I have kids? Why not?
What's wrong with you?
At 31 with no spouse or children there's nothing wrong with me. There's quite a bit right with me.
I hate answering these type questions that are all to prevelant this time of year.
What do you do for a living?
Well, I'm focusing time and effort fighting to end the abuse at a farm in VA owned by an influential and wealthy property owner. (What I want to say is I'm barely holding it together and daily grieve what Ayrshire Farm does to this pigs and what they did to me. My heart is broken. The corruption I'm up against and how voicing the truth has "ruined" my reputation can't even be described).
Do you have kids?
No. (What I want to say is I'm jealous of mothers and am terrified I might not have the opportunity to be one)
Are you married?
No. (I want to be loved, appreciated, and admired by a good man more than anything...to be a partner in a happy healthy relationship and have a family...even of 2 would be such a blessing).
No career, no kids, no husband.
The look I get brings me to tears.
I'm doing important work, I was loved by a good man, I had a miscarriage.
There is so much more to us than answers to questions.
This time of year, especially meeting friends of friends or extended family of others can be difficult.
Give yourself the gift of self acceptance and love this year...and every day of the year.
You are a brave person, Meredith. There are a lot of people in this world that are flawed beyond acceptability but you are not one of them. You are fighting for those pigs, giving them a voice where they have none. An honest woman with a passion for what is right. That is what you are. Nothing less.
ReplyDeleteIndeed those people do exist. I think I've dated most of them ;)
DeleteUghhhh the questions.
ReplyDeleteI can see people's brains short-circuiting when they try and process that I am single (have been for 5 years) and am not trying to change that anytime soon. Different situation than yours, but I can relate to the prying questions. I think it's because my life is SO different from their status quo that they can't really comprehend how I could possibly be happy and they're trying to understand. It's usually the closed minded ones who ask the most questions.
Those questions and "oh you poor thing" looks do hurt me, even though I am 100% sure I am healthier and happier than I ever was in a relationship.
It's just hard to have to justify my life in a few minutes when it would take a weeklong powerpoint presentation in order to fully explain why I am who I am and why my life now works for me.
It's such a cliché, but life really is a journey and you are the only one who can decide what you need to do to live a fulfilling life.
You are so young...there is so much ahead of you. Don't let people make you feel that you missed the boat with a spouse, kids, work...31 is so young!!!
I love your power point reference!
DeleteMeredith, there are always questions, no matter who you are. If you're single, people ask when you're getting married. Once you're married, people always ask when you're having kids. Once you have a kid, people ask when you're having another one and if you aren't, why not. And don't even start with the questions about the kids: do they play sports? Do they play an instrument? Do they know what they want to be when they grow up? And once you're my age, everyone wants to know when you're going to retire. So basically, it never ends, no matter what life stage you're in. I guess once you get old enough people will ask why you're not dead yet lol.
ReplyDeleteVery good point. Thanks for the perspective! I guess once you have grown kids it's also when do the grandkids come?!
DeleteNo, it never ends. It amazes me that anyone wouldn't want you to be careful choosing the father of your children. You're very young and beautiful, 31 is too young to rush into anything. I also think people just shouldn't ask questions like that, and they don't deserve to be answered.
ReplyDeleteWhat’s wrong with you? You dare to travel your own path! You are a heretic, Meredith.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately American society has a dysfunctional family model. The questions you noted are by unhappy people, frustrated with their own life, judgmental, and jealous of you Meredith, and jealous your life.
Try answering these kinds of questions with another question. For example,
If my child is born with congenital deformities, can I count on you for emotional and economic support? I had a miscarriage. Were you there in my time of grief?
Why did you have children, when so many children are waiting to be adopted?
Why have children until all the children without families are adopted?
When are you going to adopt a child who needs a family? When?
If my child goes astray, can I count on you for bail money?
If my husband dies at a young age, will you be there to console me in my grief?
I was loved by a good man. He died. Were you there when I needed support?
If my husband runs off with another woman, will you mock me?
I work for social justice. What do you do?
Do you work for the rapacious banking cartel? [insert industry]
Do you work serving corporate overlords?
Under traditional marriage, a man and a woman are supposed to remain married "until death us do part". Problem: Life expectancy of a white American female: 81.48 years average, see chart
http://www.worldlifeexpectancy.com/usa/life-expectancy-white-female
Life expectancy of a white American male: 76.71 years average, see chart
http://www.worldlifeexpectancy.com/usa/life-expectancy-white-male
Why should a white American female spend the last 5 years of her life (on average) alone and mourning the loss of her husband? See the link for stats on other races.
The answer to all the above is a new type of poly household, multigenerational, with some pooled resources.
ReplyDeleteIntentional Community
http://www.ic.org/
is an inclusive term for ecovillages, cohousing communities, residential land trusts, communes, student co-ops, urban housing cooperatives, intentional living, alternative communities, cooperative living, and other projects where people strive together with a common vision.
There's No Place Like Here: Communal Living with Nikki Silva
https://blog.etsy.com/en/2009/theres-no-place-like-here-communal-living-with-nikki-silva/
https://youtu.be/fyeaTLi3EsI
Interview with Apple at Twin Oaks Community (fav!)
https://youtu.be/7jL7RgJdSqM
See Scott Nearing on The Good Life, circa 1971 (very famous homesteader)
https://youtu.be/evBpwQPn8QI
Dancing Rabbit Ecovillage, Sustainable Community Living http://www.dancingrabbit.org/
https://youtu.be/DVAbAnY1NS0
https://youtu.be/iobyEjlV9AM
Dancing Rabbit is an ecovillage and intentional community of about 50 people set amid the hills and prairies of rural northeastern Missouri. Our goal is to live ecologically sustainable and socially rewarding lives, and to share the skills and ideas behind that lifestyle
Twin Oaks Community, in rural central Virginia
http://youtu.be/9fgVnwSEFAU
https://youtu.be/XTwJz8c4wcY
The community consists of around 85 adult members and 15 children and has been in existence since 1967. The core values reflected in their way of life are cooperation, sharing, nonviolence, equality, and ecology. The community is diverse in religious and spiritual beliefs and their governance style shares responsibility amongst the members, and includes management, planning and committee positions.
Twin Oaks Community Foods
http://twinoakstofu.com/
Twin Oaks Hammocks
http://www.twinoakshammocks.com/
The FEC is a union of Egalitarian Communities which have joined together in our common struggle to create a lifestyle based on Equality, Cooperation, and Harmony with the Earth
http://www.thefec.org/
Earthhaven Ecovillage, near Asheville, North Carolina http://www.earthaven.org/
https://youtu.be/wexOxmek1O8
Earthaven is an aspiring ecovillage in a mountain forest setting near Asheville, North Carolina. We are dedicated to caring for people and the Earth by learning, living, and demonstrating a holistic, sustainable culture.
Our Fertile Earth, 1071 Edgewood Ave S, Jacksonville, FL 32205
https://www.facebook.com/OurFertileEarth/
We are building a network of beautiful, productive farm and garden sites in and around our home town, Jacksonville, Florida. We're using organic methods of farming to heal the earth and grow healthful food and to create local jobs.
We take stewardship of available lands and we:
1. design and build agricultural ecologies on site
2. gather and empower local members to support the site
3. research, record, and share our knowledge with as many people as we can.
Permaculture Paradise: Val & Eli's Summer Abundance Part 1!
https://youtu.be/s1BpauXRp6U
Permaculture Paradise: Val's Food Park at Mandarin, Part 2!
https://youtu.be/GVNhxXK4dGc
See my blog name for a link to The Good Life
I love this communal living concept. I crave community.
DeleteI was just poking around the blog you link to.
Didn't help solve the mystery of who posted...though an interesting site for sure.
I'm 40. No man in my life. No kids. Never been married, etc. I get the 'you poor thing' looks alot this time of year. Like when I get an xmas tree for "just you?" No, not "just me." ME!! I am so much happier than all my married friends, but yes, I also am jealous of mothers and fear I missed my chance..I would have been an awesome mom. Is it ok of I just answer with "fuck off?"
ReplyDeleteExactly. ME is worthy. At some point it's like a woman's worth is measured as being a package deal with a husband and kids.
DeleteGood for you getting a tree!
Yes, by all means, drop the F bomb to friends and relatives at the holiday party. But say it in French. Just in case there are any two year-olds within earshot. And French potty mouth usually sounds better than English potty mouth too.
Delete"fuck off" = "te faire foutre"
http://translate.reference.com/english/french/fuck-you/tZnVjayB5b3U%3D
And here’s a topical piece in the HuffPost
"On Being A Widow: Shouldn't The Holidays Be Easier By The Third Year?"
Huffington Post, December 8, 2015, by Debbie Weiss
"People want to hear that the bereaved is doing fine. Especially if it's been over two years. "Yup, I'm loving widowhood! So much self-growth and plenty of time to plant a vegetable garden."
"If I say I'm lonely, married friends tell me to "get out there!" This generic command is pretty useless unless you offer to "get out there" with your widowed friend. Why do you think I want to venture out on a cold winter's night to hang out with strangers? In contrast, the partnered people get to stay snuggled at home watching Netflix and eating butternut squash soup with creme fraiche."
"Actually, when I said I was lonely, I was hoping for a coffee or lunch invite."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/debbie-weiss/loss-of-spouse_b_8740134.html
Horses are assholes. People are bigger assholes. They can all go te faire foutre!
Ps. to Debbie Weiss. You gotta sure thing waiting for you in Florida for the holidays. HMU.
Email her!
DeleteTo The Good Life, thanks for the great references to my article. Stop by my blog if you want. I put stuff up there that isn' on Huffington. I'll ket you know if I'm in Florida around the holidays...
Deletehere's the correct link to the bad French word
ReplyDeletehttp://translate.reference.com/english/french/fuck-off/tZnVjayBvZmY%3D
Also, how to put an image in the blue silhouette?
And I found you! (It's Debbie, The Hungover Widow). I love your blog. You are very principled. And I too hate the questions where our answers aren't standard, but we're doing a great job with our lives! I hosted my first party last night. For me, that's an accomplishment.
ReplyDelete