Many of us get to the point of being able to understand what people are about by just looking at their outward cues. It can help to somewhat protect your heart, or be willing to suffer. It's funny how the wisdom of our elders and that found in "clichés" turn out to be real, unfortunately.
I am the exact opposite. I can barely give anyone a chance because I feel like their terrible side will come out eventually. The 36 million (probably 10 of whom were women) with Ashley Madison accounts sorta proves my point. Sigh. I seriously wish I could fall in love more easily...or least give a guy a chance...
I think 'falling in love" is really infatuation--if it happens within the first couple weeks or months, because how can you love that which you do not know, and how can you really know someone within that time frame. I do think your brain can play tricks on you when you want to believe someone is wonderful (not to mention physical attraction which really muddies the waters-often you can't separate your emotions from your rational mind). I wonder if people should approach dating like an investigative reporter!! Not necessarily inundating someone with questions right off the bat, but withholding judgment until you see them in many types of situations and over time. That might sound cold but to not give someone your heart and trust (and body) right off the bat but allowing them to earn that over time. By the way, I'm speaking in generalities on the subject, Meredith, not to your specific situation,
Also look at their attitude toward/relationship with their families--can be very telling--and their general attitude toward life: cup half full?, judgmental, live and let live, moral code. and how/if they speak about past relationships: For example, I knew my husband was a "one- woman man"; unfortunately he was burned by past relationships, including a cheating ex-wife, but he showed mercy by not getting her in trouble with the IRS as he could have. i knew him for 2 years before the lightbulb switched on and I "fell in love". However, I couldn't foresee until I married him that he is very sensitive to anything he could construe as criticism (even innocent remarks) and I have to be very careful in my comments: I can't let it all hang out, so to speak, because he takes everything to heart and holds on to things, whereas I grew up in a household where we would have petty arguments and say mean things and then let it blow over. I really had to change and I'm still figuring it out after 6 years of marriage, but it is a labor of love, and I do think I'm uniquely situated to bring out his "potential" but that is after many hard times and close calls and learning about myself and facing truths about myself and being humble and not fixated on showing being "right" or showing that I am (ie when I am--often I'm not right!) I married later in life--it wasn't a primary goal as I didn't want children but I always thought it would be a fascinating challenge and journey: I was right. Maybe some people have easy marriages--not me. but I wouldn't trade it - because of coincidences I believe God brought us together. I guess I'm just saying that even when you find the "right" person, the challenges don't end, but they will make you a better person and hopefully you will both grow.
Oh yes. I wasted my 20's in a relationship with someone. I wanted marriage/kids and was waiting for him to mature, because I was "in love." It never happened. I met someone later and married, but because I was older, I only had one kid, when I would have liked a larger family (at a younger age). I'm thankful for my kiddo, of course, but the 40-something me would like to slap some sense into the 20-something me.
Have you tried a matchmaker? Link to Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matchmaking
Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch...it helps to be Jewish to understand this...or watch this clip from Fiddler on the Roof - Matchmaker
https://youtu.be/59Hj7bp38f8
Here is a paragraph from an article I am writing on traditional marriage.
"Traditional Marriage as discussed here is a departure from other marriage traditions, such as arranged marriages. This form of Traditional Marriage is novel, where a man and woman are somehow considered competent to select a spouse for life, while having no such experience, education or training; and while simultaneously avoiding any conflict of emotions, such as love. (or hormones, thanks to the comment below)
Traditional matchmakers avoided these problems. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matchmaking
Divorce in America: Probability of a marriage ending in divorce is 40%–50%"
I concluded that traditional marriage no longer exists in America, or in Western civilization, that I know of.
Mazel Tov! For you Meredith, Lazar Wolf the butcher is a match! You can bring your pigs home for Lazer to slaughter, and put in nice little plastic packages for sale. Lazer may be 62, and you 31, but you will have a very comfortable life - he’s rich!. See the video clip, hilarious.
Romantic love is also very much hormone driven. That, and the ticking of the biological clock. Read the story of Tristan and Isolde sometime. After Tristan was castrated, he didn't love Isolde passionately anymore, which broke her heart because she still loved him that way, even if they could never be lovers.
Many of us get to the point of being able to understand what people are about by just looking at their outward cues. It can help to somewhat protect your heart, or be willing to suffer. It's funny how the wisdom of our elders and that found in "clichés" turn out to be real, unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteI am the exact opposite. I can barely give anyone a chance because I feel like their terrible side will come out eventually. The 36 million (probably 10 of whom were women) with Ashley Madison accounts sorta proves my point. Sigh. I seriously wish I could fall in love more easily...or least give a guy a chance...
ReplyDeleteI fall for the potential and run for the hills at the reality.
Deleteat least you still fall...that's the only way for any hope of something good
ReplyDeleteOr to get your hopes up....
DeleteYes, I can relate. I hope this doesn't mean something about your lumberjack.
ReplyDeleteI think 'falling in love" is really infatuation--if it happens within the first couple weeks or months, because how can you love that which you do not know, and how can you really know someone within that time frame. I do think your brain can play tricks on you when you want to believe someone is wonderful (not to mention physical attraction which really muddies the waters-often you can't separate your emotions from your rational mind). I wonder if people should approach dating like an investigative reporter!! Not necessarily inundating someone with questions right off the bat, but withholding judgment until you see them in many types of situations and over time. That might sound cold but to not give someone your heart and trust (and body) right off the bat but allowing them to earn that over time. By the way, I'm speaking in generalities on the subject, Meredith, not to your specific situation,
ReplyDeleteI hope that all is well with your new gentleman, best of luck
ReplyDeleteAlso look at their attitude toward/relationship with their families--can be very telling--and their general attitude toward life: cup half full?, judgmental, live and let live, moral code. and how/if they speak about past relationships: For example, I knew my husband was a "one- woman man"; unfortunately he was burned by past relationships, including a cheating ex-wife, but he showed mercy by not getting her in trouble with the IRS as he could have. i knew him for 2 years before the lightbulb switched on and I "fell in love". However, I couldn't foresee until I married him that he is very sensitive to anything he could construe as criticism (even innocent remarks) and I have to be very careful in my comments: I can't let it all hang out, so to speak, because he takes everything to heart and holds on to things, whereas I grew up in a household where we would have petty arguments and say mean things and then let it blow over. I really had to change and I'm still figuring it out after 6 years of marriage, but it is a labor of love, and I do think I'm uniquely situated to bring out his "potential" but that is after many hard times and close calls and learning about myself and facing truths about myself and being humble and not fixated on showing being "right" or showing that I am (ie when I am--often I'm not right!) I married later in life--it wasn't a primary goal as I didn't want children but I always thought it would be a fascinating challenge and journey: I was right. Maybe some people have easy marriages--not me. but I wouldn't trade it - because of coincidences I believe God brought us together. I guess I'm just saying that even when you find the "right" person, the challenges don't end, but they will make you a better person and hopefully you will both grow.
ReplyDeleteOh yes. I wasted my 20's in a relationship with someone. I wanted marriage/kids and was waiting for him to mature, because I was "in love." It never happened. I met someone later and married, but because I was older, I only had one kid, when I would have liked a larger family (at a younger age). I'm thankful for my kiddo, of course, but the 40-something me would like to slap some sense into the 20-something me.
ReplyDeleteYikes. I feel like this is reading something Future Me might write. Currently living the part of my life you wanted to slap yourself for.
DeleteAwesome words of wisdom ladies!
ReplyDeleteCan anyone else relate? Of course, that’s the appeal of the script on the pretty blue picture with the sad young woman.
ReplyDeleteLove the man or woman as they are, not as the man or woman you want them to be.
Love is an illusion. A mutual admiration society. Once the illusion is gone, the basis for love is gone.
Lesser forms of love go from infatuation to stalking.
The road from love to hate can be a short drive.
Being alone by yourself can be very difficult.
Being alone with the wrong person may lead to homicide or suicide.
Looking for real love? Try the opposite approach...
Date a fat, old man with missing teeth, for his wisdom, not his sex appeal.
Ask Anna Kendrick out for a date. (the woman, not the bird)
http://video.gq.com/watch/how-to-date-me-anna-kendrick
Why are film stars worshiped? For their ability to act, to create an illusion. Humans love illusion. Love is an illusion.
Try popular love substitutes, such as religion, porn, or booze.
If all else fails, meditate. Be still and know. That’s the bottom line. Be comfortable with your aloneness.
I think you have to be comfortable and confident alone first...but you can't have a family of "one".
DeleteI want a partner and to build a life with someone together. I crave companionship in a way that challenges growth.
I'm 31...
Have you tried a matchmaker? Link to Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matchmaking
DeleteMatchmaker, matchmaker make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch...it helps to be Jewish to understand this...or watch this clip from Fiddler on the Roof - Matchmaker
https://youtu.be/59Hj7bp38f8
Here is a paragraph from an article I am writing on traditional marriage.
"Traditional Marriage as discussed here is a departure from other marriage traditions, such as arranged marriages. This form of Traditional Marriage is novel, where a man and woman are somehow considered competent to select a spouse for life, while having no such experience, education or training; and while simultaneously avoiding any conflict of emotions, such as love. (or hormones, thanks to the comment below)
Traditional matchmakers avoided these problems. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matchmaking
Divorce in America: Probability of a marriage ending in divorce is 40%–50%"
I concluded that traditional marriage no longer exists in America, or in Western civilization, that I know of.
I love fiddler on the roof! Had my mom take me to a play of.it for my birthday when I was a kid.
DeleteMazel Tov! For you Meredith, Lazar Wolf the butcher is a match! You can bring your pigs home for Lazer to slaughter, and put in nice little plastic packages for sale. Lazer may be 62, and you 31, but you will have a very comfortable life - he’s rich!. See the video clip, hilarious.
DeleteFiddler On The Roof - Tevye Talks To Lazar Wolf
https://youtu.be/0EMlwLk_h-M
Love is our projection on to another person.
ReplyDeleteRomantic love is also very much hormone driven. That, and the ticking of the biological clock. Read the story of Tristan and Isolde sometime. After Tristan was castrated, he didn't love Isolde passionately anymore, which broke her heart because she still loved him that way, even if they could never be lovers.
ReplyDeleteI'll look it up.
DeleteOh no, look up Heloise and Abelard. I got my medieval lit romances mixed up.
Delete