After a year off meds for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome I now am back on medication.
I thought energy would be a gift.
At this point I have the energy and clarity to recognize what I have lost, the wrongdoings, and the grief I haven't had the energy to face.
These are dark times.
I wrongly anticipated that medication would in a sense fix everything. I'd have the stamina to meet each day head on with no limitations. Instead, I'm greeted with daily defeat. Never ending acute reminders of what was and never will be...and how unjustly, unfairly, and unexpected these circumstances came to be.
Broken. Lost. Lonely.
Medication I thought would be a blessing is nothing but a curse.
I'm consumed with grief.
I thought meds would dry my tears and give me the ability to concur all, instead the tears multiply.
I didn't anticipate dealing with almost 2 years worth of reality and emotions I've slept through.
I want to flush these pills but know in order to flourish I have to take them. I've never run from anything...I absolutely confront everything...I didn't realize what I've slept through.
Eddie, Ayrshire, a miscarriage, prioritizing my dogs through endless moves and temporary living situations.
I thought meds would gift me my creativity back but they've gifted me the cognitive ability to understand why I'm no longer creative.
I feel more paralyzed on medication that gives me energy than I did without it.
Thinking in circles, walking in circles, crying in circles.
My meds were always a gift, now they are a curse.
My life is nothing like it was. Limited thinking tells me it's worse, but I know it's all a part of life and a way to grow in a stronger and more resilient way.
A part of me wishes I didn't have the energy to find and watch videos of Eddie, of the pigs, of my past...another part knows I must confront it all without holding back.
There is SO much I never returned to or accepted.
What to do with it now?
How to continue? Where to continue?
Live is difficult for those with big hearts and analytical minds.
How have you coped great losses?
Tips and suggestions are welcome.
It's so hard to shift your brain to where you're thinking more about the future than the past. I think a healthy thing to do is allow yourself to fully feel your emotions as they surface. It helps you process and come to a state of acceptance. That helped me a lot because my natural instinct is to push my feelings down/ignore them, and then they'd just come back with a vengeance.
ReplyDeleteAnother weird thing I did that worked was I went to the library and picked out autobiographies of people who have been through more than me. Reading those books helped give me perspective and know I'm not alone. I can get through this and be happy. All is not lost. There is great hope in the future.
One last thing, maybe make sure how you are feeling isn't because of a side effect of the meds? My son was on stimulants for ADD and although in a way it helped, it ended up not being worth it because it triggered his anxiety and made his brain work overtime thinking about past events. So just my two cents on that. Not sure what you're taking and don't need to know but hope I'm not coming across as too know-it-all with my suggestions!
Take care of yourself (((hugs)))
It's okay. You have to go through it or you'll remain stuck. There is another side where things improve. Just wait till you get old. You'll really hate that.
ReplyDeleteWhen things get overwhelming, try putting the important stuff into small bites that you take every day. When the little things are in order, it makes it easier to deal with the big things.
ReplyDeleteHere is what I know: when my house is clean, and I'm being pro-active, I can handle the bigger things. So, every day, I set my timer and clean for 20-30 minutes, I write 1 page in my journal per day, and I spend at least 30 minutes a day exercising, plus some other stuff, but those are the big ones.
It's not so much that I get overwhelmed, but over the course of a week, it adds up and I am usually amazed at how much I was able to do, and it makes me feel better. When I get those little things done, and my life is a bit more orderly, I notice that I feel better prepared to deal with the bigger stuff since I am not bogged down by the little things.
I don't know if this would help you at all, but maybe finding a way to break some of these things down into smaller bites would be helpful for you.
Best of luck!
There are some things that have happened in my past that I'm having a hard time letting go of. Sometimes I have to imagine I was just plopped down on earth yesterday and there is only today and the future. There is only one way to face, and that is forward.
ReplyDeleteI highly recommend professional counseling. It has helped me enormously. Are you eligible for free counseling services?
journaling is very very helpful for circuitous thoughts. google for tips to get started.
ReplyDeleteIt's very hard for me, but in Very Bad Patches, I will spend some extra time showering, put on clothes I feel good in (whatever that means for you!), and make myself go out -- to the library, or grocery store, or if I'm brave, coffee from the local cafe. Sometimes just having strangers smile and wish you a good day helps keep things in perspective.
ReplyDeleteAlso I agree meds can have good and bad effects, when on them and when coming off. I have had good luck using homeopathic Calms from Hylands durig times of high stress, or when my brain is racing and I can't seem to stop overthinking everything.
Wish one of us had the perfect answer for you!
Counseling does help. Many communities offer referrals to free and/or low cost counseling services. Speaking with a member of the clergy might also be an option.
ReplyDeleteI was in a situation where I internalized a lot of the stress and presented a calm facade to the outside world. Big mistake. It took a meltdown for me to realize how much I needed to extricate myself from that toxic workplace. Job or no job, my sanity was more important. I was at peace with any fallout that might result from not having a job for several months. Three months post-meltdown, I had an even better job and had cut certain people completely out of my life. While very painful, dealing with all of that opened up a Pandora's box of other issues I have been systematically addressing ever since. One year later, I am in a much happier and healthier place. I now make myself a priority instead of everything and everyone else.
Keeping a daily routine, doing volunteer work, needlework, pleasure reading (library cards are FREE!) and journal writing helped me through everything. B
Best to you as you go through this journey. It is one that you will have to make if you want to heal. The longer you put it off, the harder it will be in the long run.
You need to be busier. Volunteer helping others who are worse off than you are to put your problems in perspective.
ReplyDeleteYou need to move forward. Keep time every day for the things that have been so difficult, but make a plan for each day, for what you will do, what you will achieve. It is very hard, but you need to. You have your entire life ahead of you, waiting for you.
ReplyDeleteMy childhood & early adult years felt like a never-ending series of traumas. I tried a thousand different things before I stumbled upon EMDR therapy. You can find more info online at emdria.org, or just google emdr. It sounds like a hoax. I was really hesitant about it at first. What it does is take traumatic memories, which get stored differently in your brain than regular memories, and reprocess them. Or as the lady I worked with put it, it's like washing all the dirty laundry, folding it up, and putting it away. The miserable stuff - you'll always remember that - but the EMDR helps put it somewhere where it doesn't bother you 24/7 anymore. Sounds like snake oil. But it worked for me, and takes very little time (compared to talk counseling).
ReplyDeleteFor now, this video is kind of stupid and sappy, but always makes me feel better when I'm feeling low, overwhelmed, etc :
http://theoatmeal.com/blog/where_matt
Yes, this video. :)
DeleteThank you for the suggestions everyone.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the volunteering idea. I was sexually abused by a family member and lost my fiancé to a car accident. Both my parents have passed and I have no close relatives. I got through all of this by concentrating on keeping healthy with exercise and working outdoors. I also focused on volunteering opportunities. Food banks, teach reading or other skills you may have, to children. Start a book drive for area children through a food pantry or church. You will be amazed at the change you will feel about the past when you help someone else's future.
ReplyDeleteLook into therapy. If you put in the work, and find the right person, it works. I've overcome so much thanks to my commitment to therapy.
ReplyDeleteIt takes much, much longer to accept and absorb significant losses than anyone today really talks about or acknowledges. Both in myself and others I've seen how it looks six months, a year, or two years out. On the outside, you seem OK to others, but on the inside its like you are still recovering from a brutal accident of some kind and your emotions and thought processes are bruised, raw and hurting. I would say its more akin to losing a limb than anything else....you will always negotiate life differently afterwards, and it will take a long time to get used to. Be patient with yourself and understand it can't heal until it heals. Just like any significant injury, there is no magic balm, therapy or medicine that can make healing happen any faster than it's gonna happen. Those things can help, but until your own healing processes are finished it's still a painful wound. And watch your reactions and decision-making skills while you're healing. If you have a friend you trust who will be honest with you, run all big decisions past him or her before doing anything. You are not yet in a balanced place and you must accept that. But healing will happen eventually. In our society today absolutely no one understands how long it can take before "new normal" actually becomes normal. One book I would highly recommend is Joan Didion's "Year of Magical Thinking." It's about the first year after her husband died and is pretty insightful. Good luck.
ReplyDeletePlease go see a therapist. I'm not sure how many times we can recommend it.
ReplyDeleteTherapy is up to Medicaid, a very poorly run system. I'll see if and when it's a possibility.
ReplyDeleteLook for places that might offer free or reduced prices. Clinics may be a possibility. Sometimes they do sliding-scale fees. Call your local health department, they may know of support groups for those who have lost loved ones. Call your local churches. Even if you aren't a member, they may offer services. If you're not a believer, find a Unitarian Universalist church. Call a therapist's office and ask if they know of someone or some where you can go if your insurance won't cover it.
ReplyDeleteSometimes universities that have psychology/psychiatry/medical programs have free or reduced counseling.
ReplyDeleteFor the meds, look at the name brand meds and talk to the doc about which you should be on. Many of the large pharmaceutical companies have patient assistance programs and you can get the meds for free. See the company's websites.
Have you spoken with your parents, or trusted relative?
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