So my brother who got married in May just posted on Facebook celebrating his first year wedding anniversary....
Say what?
Turns out they eloped while she was visiting him in Europe a year ago and kept it a secret before during and after their wedding until now.
My family thinks its great. What a fun twist...what a surprise.
I feel lied to and betrayed.
It makes me uncomfortable they were comfortable deceiving friends and family.
It rubs me the wrong way
Am I over reacting?
I think part of it is this was the first time I met her...and I was being lied to.
...and it took a ton of effort to get to the wedding. Borrowing money to board the dogs (that I'm now treating for tapeworm I think they got from the crappy kennel), a 16+ hour trip one way to AL...it was really hard for me to arrange to attend, just to be lied to about the "wedding".
I'm not at all offended they eloped or that they didn't say anything immediately. For me it's that they didn't at least tell immediate family before the wedding that this wasn't actually what we assumed it was.
I'm I off base?
If you are off base, then I am, too. I had the same reaction that you did as I started to read your post.
ReplyDeleteSorry Meredith, I think you are over reacting. Yes they eloped and were technically wed but they wanted a wedding with family and friends, no? And why tell people at all thats what I would ask. i think you should discuss your feelings with other family members, see how others feel.
ReplyDeleteI agree, why tell people at all...let alone a nonchalant Facebook "happy year anniversary" to us?
DeleteHmmm...being deceived by someone you love...being hurt and upset by it...hmmm. Overreacting? Seriously? Most people would be a little hurt, let down and disappointed they were left out. Give Meredith credit, she is being honest about her feelings - with herself and with us - even if some don't agree with her. As for me, I know I would probably be feeling the same way as she is.
DeleteThere's no wrong answer or opinion. My mom doesn't understand my perspective either. I don't want to be phased but I am.
DeleteThey should have been honest about what their second "wedding" really was, and allowed people the choice if they wanted to attend. My two cents.
ReplyDeleteI'd feel the same way. More so, I'd be careful about trusting them again, if they can keep up this charade. I have no problem with the second wedding. I was probably important to have the family and friends, and I think it would be important for you to attend even if you knew the truth.
ReplyDeleteBUT, given all that, you have to get over it, at least on the outside. It's just the way the world works. Those of us who are really earnest feel these things, but we have to get along in a world that doesn't really feel the same.
So, I will give my 2 cents only b/c you asked. I know everyone is going to crush me for saying this b/c having a strong opinion against the norm is somehow not okay anymore.....but I digress. Anyway, I trust that Meredith is okay with hearing differing ideas, so here goes. If it were me, I would feel hurt because I would wonder why my brother, who I have known a lot longer than this girl has known him, did not let ME in on the secret. I would feel a jolt or shock that I am not in the inner circle with my brother because he lied to me just like he did with everyone else - random people, strangers and ME? WTF?. I would ask myself - "am I just a person my brother treats like random people now?" The truth is - he has known this woman for over a year it seems and this is the first time you had met her. Of course that is probably b/c he is/was far away and life happens, etc etc. If you saw him every day or every weekend, I bet he would not have lied to your face about it. Maybe they did not want to burden you with having to lie for them. It is their decision and their life. If they want to keep it a secret, it is their right. It is your right to be hurt. Your feelings are valid. They have to live with the consequences of how their secret affected everyone. But, honestly, he IS closer to this woman now more than he is with you. He will choose her. So, if you want your brother in your life, you have to forgive them and move on. Might they get pregnant and lie about it for 3 months or so like most people do? Yep, probably. Will they tell you sooner than anyone else? Nope. They are a team now and they will make such decisions if they want to. You have to ask yourself if you want your brother in your life or not? If so, then understand that she comes first and you are on par with everyone else now. The ironic thing is that if they ever divorce one day, you will always be his sister.....Good luck. Whatever you feel is valid. The more important thing is to what to do with those feelings. You can't change the past. You can't manage the future with them the way you want to, i.r., you can't be sure they won't lie again. Is he worth having in your life on his (and her) terms? The choice is yours.
ReplyDeleteI respect your opinion and yes...his loyalties obviously lie with her.
DeleteI don't agree with the pregnancy analogy though.
I had a miscarriage earlier this year and now understand more than ever why that is not news couples immediately share.
I really can't think what this charade is similar to.
I just can relate or understand how they could do it with a straight face let alone celebrate knowing that they were fooling everyone there.
Its bizzare and I can't wrap my head a round it.
Funny (mostly unfortunate really) but this fits in with the vibe I got from the New(ish) sister in law. Let's just say I'm not surprised.
I don't think you're overreacting. It stings to be left out of a secret and the FB anniversary reveal was especially thoughtless. That being said, they may have had their reasons and you can be sure they didn't do this to hurt anyone deliberately.
ReplyDeleteI am friends with a couple who just did this, however they were quite open about it. While they did not announce the first wedding, they did nothing to hide it, so by the time the "second" wedding occurs (the one with all the guests and hoopla) most people will probably already know they legally got married last March, in order to share spouses benefits like healthcare. But they DID tell their immediate family members, so I'm with you...it was a little self-centered of your bro to think it wouldn't matter to anyone else. Hey, it's their wedding, but I think honesty with family would have been a better idea.
ReplyDeleteWas there a reasoning behind their need to keep it secret? Since they are adults they can of course do as they please but find it odd that they went ahead with a regular wedding without telling anyone. They could have had a big reception in place of it and have everyone over to celebrate their special day.
ReplyDeleteI personally wouldn't feel betrayed or anything..it's their life after all but I also feel like they should have a done a heads up..especially since you yourself took measures to make sure you could attend. I am sure you still would have gone for a huge reception had they just told everyone up front..hey we decided to do something that was just for us and that was getting married. However we want to also celebrate it with the rest of you so lets get together..
If you haven't chatted with him about it, don't let it go to long..this is one of those things that could become weird after awhile and it doesn't need to be weird but it sounds like you two could use a chat about it.
The decision to elope versus having a ceremony is incredibly personal. Maybe they had a financial reason that made elopement more attractive, maybe they thought your family wouldn't accept her if she was anything less than "legitimate", or maybe they thought an elopement would suffice before realizing that without family and friends present, it wasn't official to them. In any case, they decided to have a ceremony with all of the important people in their lives, and chose to include you in that list. Just as they chose to include you in the most important day of their lives together, you can choose to be happy for them, or you can choose to let your perceived slight color your future relationship with your brother and a woman who is now your family. The photo you posted that labels them liars speaks to the choice you've made. You've prided yourself in past posts on your ability to not let things go. That might not be the smartest tactic here.
ReplyDelete"Prided yourself in pasts posts on your ability to not let things go."
DeleteThe way I handle severe animal abuse and the way I handle an event that simply took me by surprise are vastly different.
If he was in the military, it may well have been done to ensure she got his Servicemen's Group Life Insurance benefit should anything have happened to him. A lot of couples wed before a deployment just to ensure some peace and security for the spouse left at home. But that was nothing to be ashamed of, or something that needed to be kept secret. I'm sure everyone would have understood the logic. But sometimes talking about how dangerous a job it is or the need to have plans in place in case the unthinkable happens is not something the person being deployed is comfortable discussing with family, for understandable reasons. So maybe that's why they did what they did.
ReplyDeleteI don't begrudge them for doing it. I think.it was a wise move considering his job.
DeleteI just feel "fooled" by keeping it a secret then posting it on Facebook.
It even would have been more thoughtful (to me) to share as a couple after the wedding ceremony...
Its not worth discussing with them.
Just a vent on a personal blog and a way to get various opinions...I cam be very sensitive!
It's a little odd to plan a wedding and pretend to be engaged when you're actually married. The newspaper announcement was misleading as it announced something that had technically already happened. It's no fun to be at the receiving end of a gotcha moment via an indirect social media post when you went to significant inconvenience to witness their "special moment" to find out it was sonewhat of a sham. Weddings are emotional events and I could never stand there in front of family and friends and pretend something is happening that isn't really. The words spoken are not representing the actual state of affairs. I'm surprised the officiator went along with it. The reason you invite family and friends to that ritual is because that transition is so special. I guess you can have as many ceremonies as you want but Meredith should have been informed. However she reacts is her own business but I understand her feelings. I wonder if you stitched the date on the embroidered picture you made them.
ReplyDeleteYes, I did stitch the date on the embroidery I made them.
DeleteYes, I did stitch the date on the embroidery I made them.
DeleteOK - then they have a memento of their reenactment of taking their vows. They could have said they wanted to reconfirm their vows in a nice ceremony and everyone would have been just as happy for them without the deception.
DeleteOr maybe a change in perspective is needed here. Perhaps they were "married" a year ago (for benefits/legal reasons or whatever), but it wasn't really " a real marriage" until it was witnessed by their family and friends so it wasn't really a lie. And maybe they are just young and immature so they announced it in a stupid way. If its worth getting so many strangers opinions on it, then its probably worth telling them directly it hurt you. Otherwise, if they ever see this blog, its just passive aggressive. It seems like you don't like her or you think she is dishonest, but there were 2 people who made the decision. Your brother is just as much to "blame" if you chose to see it as someone's fault.
ReplyDeleteI disagree posting it here is passive aggressive and it is not worth discussing with them. There was no ill will intended so it's just something we interpret differently. There is enough real shit in life to confront..this made me pause and acknowledge I felt a little hurt.
DeleteMoving on...
I disagree posting it here is passive aggressive and it is not worth discussing with them. There was no ill will intended so it's just something we interpret differently. There is enough real shit in life to confront..this made me pause and acknowledge I felt a little hurt.
DeleteMoving on...
I disagree posting it here is passive aggressive and it is not worth discussing with them. There was no ill will intended so it's just something we interpret differently. There is enough real shit in life to confront..this made me pause and acknowledge I felt a little hurt.
DeleteMoving on...
I would be a little hurt, especially after going through tremendous effort to be present for the wedding. It could have been just as real or special (or maybe even more so) to them than their first legal ceremony since they were able to have friends and family present. But I do think it would have been thoughtful to tell immediate family what the second wedding really represented before announcing it to everyone - the closest family members and most distant acquaintances - at once. It's natural to feel hurt when a secret it kept, malicious intention or not.
ReplyDelete